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  “You sailed?” she asked, looking up at me with interest.

  “When I was a teenager,” I nodded. “Uncle Ashton had a little boat that he loved, and Henry and I used to take it out all the time.”

  “Henry was the cousin you lost in Afghanistan, wasn’t he?”

  “He was,” I nodded. “But not before he distinguished himself for bravery; he has a medal of honor.”

  “You must be proud,” she said, squeezing my hand.

  “I am,” I nodded. “But sometimes… I wish he’d have been less brave.”

  “I understand that,” she nodded. “How has your aunt been doing?”

  I hadn’t mentioned introducing the two of them recently. I figured I’d give Kristen some time to get used to the idea before I mentioned it again. “She’s doing well,” I nodded. “She’s seeing someone, actually.”

  “That’s great,” Kristen smiled. “Good for her.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “She’s been so consumed with Henry’s death that she forgot to live her own life.”

  “Something you understand very well,” Kristen said pointedly.

  I smiled. “Okay, fine… I did the same thing.”

  “Not that I blame you,” she assured me. “It’s not an easy thing to lose a spouse…and I can’t even imagine losing a child.”

  “I know,” I nodded. “It was the most awful thing that had happened to our family. It nearly destroyed me, and it broke Uncle Ashton and Aunt Margo.”

  “Is that the reason they divorced?”

  “I think so,” I said. “They didn’t have any major problems before that. And, I remember all the fights preceding Henry’s enlistment. He had discussed enlisting with them, and Uncle Ashton was angry. He felt as though Mom had encouraged him to enlist because of the history in our family.”

  “Margo is your father’s sister?”

  “That’s right,” I nodded. I looked out towards the ocean. “Henry was the better sailor, though… That was one of the reasons I looked up to him so much. He was amazing at whatever he attempted. We used to sail miles out into the sea and then we used to eat burgers and talk about how we were going to enlist one day and distinguish ourselves as war heroes.”

  Kristen looked sad as I spoke. “You miss him, don’t you?”

  “He was the closest thing to a brother I had,” I replied. “Which is why the military helped me so much in the aftermath of his death. It gave me that same sense of brotherhood again.”

  “I can’t imagine that kind of life,” she whispered.

  “What kind of life?”

  “Marrying a man who was fighting wars in foreign lands… I would be out of my mind with worry. I don’t know how your grandmother or your mother did it.”

  “They were strong women,” I said.

  “They must have been to have raised someone like you.”

  “Someone like me?” I asked, not sure what she meant by that.

  “Someone brave and strong and kind and…passionate.”

  “You think I’m passionate?”

  “You’re passionate about your work, about your military career, about your son… You were passionate about your wife while she was alive, and you’re passionate about your family.”

  I smiled, noticing how easily she had mentioned Daphne.

  “Do you mind when I mention Daphne?” I asked.

  “No of course not,” Kristen said immediately, and I could tell from her tone that she was sincere. “She’s Noah’s mother, and I wouldn’t ever want to ignore that. I understand she was an important and cherished part of your past, and I respect that. I don’t want to compete with her memory because that’s one fight I know I’m going to lose. So I’m just going to do my best to be the best version of myself for Noah…and for you.”

  I grabbed her suddenly and kissed her hard on the lips. She giggled against me and pushed me back. “People are watching,” she said self-consciously.

  “I honestly couldn’t care less.”

  Kristen looked at me with surprise. “You know, I never pegged you for the kind of guy who was okay with public displays of affection.”

  “I’m usually not,” I admitted. “Daphne and I would hold hands in public, and that was about it. I’ve never really been one for public displays of affection. But with you…it’s different.”

  I could tell that those words meant a lot to her. She didn’t want to be compared to Daphne all the time, nor did she want our relationship to mimic the one I’d had with Daphne because that would reduce her to a paler version of a stronger love. We were both starting to realize that this was a relationship in its own right—and it had nothing to do with Daphne.

  We made it to the shack I had told her about and I ordered burgers and hot dogs and shakes. Then we found a bench with a spectacular view of the ocean, and we sat down to enjoy our lunch. For the first time, I wasn’t checking my watch or anxious about meetings. I just wanted to sit here with Kristen and enjoy good food and good conversation without having to worry about anything else.

  “Maybe I’ll buy a yacht,” I said suddenly.

  Kristen raised her eyebrows. “Maybe you’ll buy a yacht?”

  “Yeah… Why not?”

  “You’re serious?”

  I smiled. “I told you I loved sailing… And think about it, if I bought one, we could sail into the ocean and spend the whole day on the sea. Noah would love that.”

  She smiled. “That does sound kinda perfect.”

  I nodded. It was the first time that I’d planned anything, and it gave me a little thrill of excitement. Was it possible to leave behind pain? Was it possible to let go of all the anger and frustration and just be happy? Sitting there with Kristen…it certainly felt like it.

  Chapter Thirty

  Kristen

  “I was thinking…”

  “Yeah?” I asked, looking up at Jake.

  There was something different about him today. He seemed more open somehow. As though the beach and the walk and the conversation had given him permission to be excited about his future. I realized that this was possibly the first time he was looking towards the future with any kind of optimism.

  “Maybe we could go away sometime, the three of us?” he suggested.

  I wondered if he was a little nervous asking me in the first place. If it hadn’t been for the secret I was keeping, I would have been thrilled. As it stood though, I had this huge weight on my chest. I had been trying to work up the courage to tell him, but my fear of losing him and Noah was preventing me from taking the leap. I wanted to be braver, but my fear was crippling.

  “I was thinking we could do a road trip of sorts,” Jake continued. “We could drive into the next state, maybe stay a day or two with Aunt Margo, and then just go wherever the wind takes us.”

  I smiled. “That’s a beautiful plan.”

  “I used to dream about doing that one day when I had a family of my own.”

  I paused a second as Jake’s expression faltered a little. I put my hand on his. “Did you and Daphne plan on taking a road trip with Noah one day?”

  “Actually, no,” Jake replied. “Daphne hated the idea of road trips. She didn’t like being stuck in a car for long stretches of time. And anyway, we never really planned any family trips to begin with. After Noah was born, Daphne was depressed for a long time, and then she re-enlisted and went overseas, and…she never came back.”

  I leaned my head against his shoulder and rubbed his arm gently. “Do you think things would have been different if she had stayed?”

  “Meaning would she have gotten over the post-partum?” he clarified.

  “Yes.”

  “I honestly don’t know,” he replied. “And believe me, I’ve spent hours thinking about all the different possibilities. Daphne wasn’t ready to be a mother… Hell, I wasn’t ready to be a father. She was twenty-three, and I was twenty-four. We had our lives planned out, and children didn’t enter into it for another decade, at least. I think she didn’t really wan
t to be pregnant, but she convinced herself she was happy.

  “Then she found herself back home living a civilian’s life, and I was still in Afghanistan being a soldier, and she just grew sadder and sadder. I think she hoped that that would change once Noah was born, and honestly, I hoped the same thing. But then… Noah was born, and everything just got worse.”

  “I wish I could have been there for her,” I said, without thinking.

  “What?” Jake said, looking at me with shock.

  “Uh…nothing.”

  “You would have wanted to be there for my wife?” He sounded absolutely baffled by that sentiment.

  It was yet another opening for me. All I had to do was say ‘I wanted to be there for her because she was my sister,’ but there was no way I was strong or brave enough to say those words.

  “Um… I just… It’s hard to go through something like that alone,” I said, stumbling over my words. “Sometimes you just need a little help.”

  Jake frowned as though he wasn’t quite sure whether to believe me or not. “You are strange, Kristen…but you’re also wonderful.”

  “No, I’m not,” I said, feeling disgusted with myself.

  “Hey,” he said, hooking his finger under my chin and pushing it up so that he could see my face. “Trust me… I know what wonderful looks like. And, you’re it.”

  His blue eyes were bright and open and beautiful, and I felt instantly ashamed of myself. I was allowing him to get deeper into this without coming clean with him first. Maybe my mother was right—maybe I was no better than she was.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling emotion constrict around my throat.

  “For what?” Jake asked.

  “For…everything,” I whispered.

  Jake frowned in confusion, but then he smiled. “You feel too much, Kristen,” he said. “That’s your problem. Now come on, let’s head on back to the office.”

  The drive back was mostly silent. I could tell that Jake was as involved with his thoughts as I was with mine. Except I could tell from his expression that he was reflecting on good things, while I was just trying to juggle my guilt and shame with my love for Jake and Noah.

  “I miss him,” I said instinctively.

  “Me, too,” Jake nodded.

  I realized that I’d never mentioned whom I missed by name, and yet Jake knew exactly whom I was talking about. It was the kind of connection every girl dreamed of having…and I wondered if it was all part of life’s cruel irony that I would find that with a man who was never meant for me.

  We took separate elevators up to our floor just to avoid people linking us together. It wasn’t as though there was a company policy or anything, but neither one of us wanted to have to answer awkward questions from nosy work colleagues. I was already sitting at my desk when Jake walked in. He nodded to me formally before disappearing into his office. But a second later, he called me in to meet him.

  “Hi,” I said, poking my head in. “What do you need?”

  “You,” he said. “Come in and lock the door.”

  Tentatively, I walked in and shut the door behind me. Jake was leaning against his desk with a strange glint in his eye. He looked like some roguish model, with his tousled dark hair and his perfect blue eyes smiling at me. I came forward, still recovering from the conversation we’d had over lunch. I wanted to be near him, but at the same time, I wanted the weight on my chest to lift. I wanted to be with him without the worry and the guilt.

  “Are you okay?” Jake asked, taking my hand. “You seem a little stressed.”

  “I… I suppose I am a little stressed.”

  “Why?” he asked, pulling me closer to him.

  “Um… I have had a lot on my mind lately,” I admitted.

  Jake appeared to be only half-listening to me. His lips came down on my neck and he started to kiss me slowly. “What’s bothering you?” he asked as he continued to tease me.

  “Uh…nothing.”

  “It can’t be nothing if it’s bothering you.”

  I shivered a little as his tongue traveled along the length of my neck. “I… I know…”

  “Well?” he pressed, as he placed soft kisses on my lips. “What is it?”

  “Um…you know… I can’t quite…remember just now,” I managed to say.

  His smile was boyish and teasing. “Am I distracting you?”

  “Yes.”

  His smile grew wider as his hands slipped up my skirt towards my panties. At first, I thought he was just feeling me up a little, but then his fingers hooked around the waistband of my panties and pulled them off me in one swift move.

  “Oh my God,” I gasped, as I tried to pull away from him. “What are you doing?”

  His arms were vice-like around me, refusing to let me go. He held me close against his body and pushed two fingers inside me. I gasped and clung to him as he started fingering me urgently. My eyes rolled back in my head, and against my will, my leg raised up a little to help him push deeper inside me.

  “We can’t be doing this here,” I gasped, trying to gain control over my weakened resolve. “What if someone… Oh, God… What if someone walks in?”

  “You locked the door, didn’t you?” Jake said, as he pushed his fingers right up inside me and shook so hard that my head spun with delirious excitement.

  I was soaking wet when Jake pulled his fingers out again. I was also so turned on that I was willing to have him fuck me in front of the entire office and the board of directors, as well. Sensing that I was now completely pliant, Jake grabbed me by the waist and turned me around so that I was leaning against his desk. Then he pushed open my legs and stepped between them.

  His cock was rock hard, and I reached out to encircle it with my hand. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his erect penis. The sight of it sent new shivers of pleasure running through my body. He didn’t bother undressing me. We kept all our clothes on, and somehow that excited me, too. Then he pushed inside me, and I had to bite my lip to stop the gasp from escaping my lips.

  I was so wet that he slid in and out of me easily. There was nothing gentle about the way he fucked me this time. He rammed into me so hard that I wondered if everyone outside the office would be able to hear us. The sound of his pelvis slamming into mine had to be one of the most erotic sounds I had ever heard.

  His hands worked over my chest, unbuttoning my blouse and undoing my bra. Luckily, I had worn my front clasp bra today. He played with my nipples, sucking them from time to time when his pace slowed, and he needed to catch his breath. Then he pushed me back onto his desk so that I was lying spread-eagled against the surface, disrupting his papers and files. He didn’t seem to care, and even I couldn’t muster up the willpower to stop him.

  I was just about to cum when he pulled out of me. He sat down in one of his large black chairs and pulled me down on top of him. Desperate for the feel of his cock inside me again, I mounted him quickly and sat down on top of his cock. Again, he slid inside me easily, and I rode him hard, matching the pace he had set earlier. His hands moved from my hips to my ass, squeezing as I bounced on top of him.

  I came so violently that I felt my eyes roll back in my head and I was forced to bite down on my tongue so hard that I actually wounded myself in the process. I just sat there for a few minutes, on top of him, while he encircled me with his arms. I could feel his breathing at my neck and the scent of him clinging to my skin. It was primal and animalistic, and I liked the idea that I smelled of him now.

  “That was…fun,” he said, at last, breaking the sex-fueled silence.

  I let out a low laugh. “I hope no one heard us.”

  “I don’t give a fuck if they did,” Jake said. “I’m finally happy, and I don’t care who knows it.”

  I smiled and cradled his face in my hands. “I make you happy?”

  “Happier than you could possibly imagine,” he confirmed. “You’re my happy place.”

  I felt my heart do cartwheels. Was it possible to fly? At that moment
everything felt possible. “And you’re mine,” I whispered in his ear. “I love you, Jake.”

  He pulled his face back a little and looked right at me. His face was unreadable for a moment, and then he smiled. “I love you, Kristen,” he replied.

  And just like that, I had dug myself an even deeper grave. But at the moment, I didn’t let myself think about that. At that moment, I decided to cling to blissful denial and forget the secret that was threatening to steal away my one chance to true happiness.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Jake

  It was rare for me to spend a night without Noah or Kristen nowadays. But I knew that Luis was going to be in town for only a short while longer, and I wanted to meet him as much as I could while he was here. I walked into the bar and checked the time. I was a little late, but I knew Luis wouldn’t mind. He’d be at the bar with a drink in hand.

  “Hi, man,” I said, slipping onto the bar stool next to him. “Sorry I’m late.”

  “No worries,” he nodded. “I ordered you a beer.”

  “I was hoping you would,” I nodded as I took a sip of the beer. It was darker than I had anticipated and the heat felt nice going down.

  “So…what kept you?” he asked teasingly. “Your son or the new flame?”

  I smiled. “Both actually,” I admitted. “Noah was building a fort in the living room with Kristen, and they needed me to help erect part of their fort.”

  “She’s babysitting?”

  “It’s not the first time,” I pointed out. “She babysits for me often now… I haven’t had to call my backup babysitter in weeks.”

  “A girlfriend and a babysitter all in one hot package, huh?”

  I laughed. “Fuck you…it’s not like that. I care about her.”

  “I can see that,” he nodded. “And, she obviously cares about Noah.”

  “I’ll admit, that was a relief,” I said. “What if Noah didn’t like her; what if she didn’t like him? That would have been terrible.”

  “If that had been the case, then you and Kristen wouldn’t be together in the first place.”

  “Good point,” I nodded. I took another sip of beer and then looked at Luis. “I feel like we’re always talking about me. What’s new with you?”