Perfection #3 Read online

  You always hear people say, “It happened so fast that I didn’t know what had happened.” Not me. It happened so slowly that I remembered every second — the first spray of blood from my Dad’s face, the twisting of the metal, the groaning of the car, the screams of my family. I remembered seeing the log truck spin in front of us and thinking, “Oh no!” I remembered the book I was reading, the song my sister and I were singing.

  I had walked away with skinned knees and a scrape on my side. My family was all gone. I went to stay with Aunt Sadie when she died too, during the first week of my college freshman year. Now there was no one. Even Aunt Sadie’s crabby old cat was gone—I had tried to take him with me but he died right after she did.

  I don’t know why that poem came back to me now.

  Bullet was sitting on the leather ottoman in front of me, talking. What was he asking me? I couldn’t hear him because I was reciting the poem in my head, “Soaring on the wind, above the world below, the soul of my friend….” I hated that poem. Why would she choose that poem? I had been only a kid but even I knew that wasn’t the thing to say at a funeral, to the loved ones. I wanted to walk up to that podium and slap Mom’s friend and scream at her. I wanted to say, “She not flying above the world! She’s dead and in the cold, cold ground!” I imagined doing just that. Tears filled my eyes and thankfully the image disappeared melting back into the painful past.

  “Lilly! What the hell? Aren’t you listening to me?” Bullet yelled at me, his chiseled face etched with concern and frustration. I yelled back. “Yes! I hear you!” More calmly I said, “You don’t have to scream at me. I hear you, I was just thinking about something.”

  “You don’t have a scratch on you. What’s going on? I can tell something isn’t right.”

  I felt myself stare through him. I wanted to scream, “I almost died! I should have died!” but I didn’t.

  “Do you want me to take you to a hospital? Can I call someone for you?”

  “Who would you call? They’re all dead,” I heard myself whisper. “But I’m not dead. I’m not dead again.” Guilt washed over me, and my heart felt like it was being crushed like a beer can in my chest. On top of the guilt was the flinching. I flinched at every pop of the fireplace, every slamming door. Every loud noise played a crescendo on my nervous system, and each time I caught my breath and felt my heart skip a beat. Bullet sat on the couch next to me, holding me close. I didn’t respond at first; I wasn’t sure what was happening. If he grabbed my breast or tried to kiss me I’d probably scream, but he didn’t. He just held me. He smelled warm and comforting. I began to cry. Not soft, delicate tears either—my sorrow came from the inner depths of my heart. I wasn’t even thinking about the bear’s terrifying growl, the bear’s stench, the stench of death. I wasn’t thinking about almost being eaten by a wild animal. I was thinking of my sister’s cold dead hands that I grabbed when I tried to wake her up.

  When I couldn’t cry anymore, Bullet picked me up and carried me upstairs. I sat on the edge of the bed while he undressed me and then placed me in a tub of warm, soapy water. From a shelf he reached for a jar and he sprinkled in a few spoons of scented bath salts, eucalyptus I think. It felt like heaven. I began to breathe more calmly and I felt my peace return. He was gone a few minutes but when he came back, he had two glasses of brandy. He didn’t try to put the moves on me, thankfully. He just sat on the floor next to the tub, sipping his drink.

  “Feeling better now?” he asked, sipping his brandy.

  “Yes, thank you. I’m sorry I fell apart like that. Could you hand me a ponytail holder? There should be one on the dresser. I don’t want to get my hair wet.” He brought me a scrunchie and I piled my wild blonde waves on top of my head.

  “You look very fetching,” he joked with me.

  “Thanks, I think.” I sipped my brandy.

  “How about some more hot water? Just a little to keep you comfortable.” I nodded my consent. Absently, I wondered about his other house guests. I hoped they stayed out of the woods.

  “Animal Control is coming to pick up that bear, if they haven’t already arrived. We don’t normally have bears this close to the cabins here. I’m sorry that happened to you and…I’m sorry I was such an ass earlier.”

  I leaned my head on my foamy knees and wrapped my arms around them. I gazed at him. “It’s alright. I was the jerk. I should have stayed here and left you alone.” I hoped he could hear me; I could barely manage a whisper right now. I don’t know what happened to my voice. Did I lose it screaming earlier?

  “No, it was all me—all my fault. I am sorry.”

  “Okay.”

  “Lilly, are you sure that you feel okay? You don’t seem like you do.”

  “Have you ever faced death? I mean, has anyone you ever loved died?”

  Bullet winced at my question. “Um…yes I have actually. Why do you ask?”

  “Were you there when it happened? Could you have stopped it?”

  Bullet made a sort of laughing sound but it was anything but funny. “Why would you ask me that? Is that any of your business?”

  I pulled the plug on the tub. It was one of those old fashioned kind with the bright silver chain. I liked it. So much nicer than the tub I had in my tiny apartment. You know, maybe I should buy a house so I could have one of these nice tubs. “I want to go home. Take me home,” I said watching the water swirl down the tub drain.

  “What about our deal? Are you reneging?” He faked self-assurance; I could see through him now. This wasn’t about the boob job anymore. It was about us. He liked me—he just didn’t know how to be a friend, much less a boyfriend. I mean, mostly he didn’t know how to be a friend. The warm bath had been a nice gesture. Still, I didn’t want to try anymore. I guess almost getting eaten by a bear changes your perspective.

  “Sure, whatever you want to call it. I’m done. I don’t want any surgery. I just want to go home.” I felt tired, so tired that I could go to sleep in the bathtub — maybe it was the warm bath and the brandy. I drank the whole glass.

  “Okay, whatever you want to do, Lilly but why don’t you take a nap first. I’ll help you get dressed—no, I won’t try anything and you can lie down. When you wake up, we will go wherever you want.”

  “Promise?” I didn’t trust him but I was very tired. The rawness of my emotions had calmed down and I was exhausted.

  “I do promise. Come on, let’s get you dried off.” As he promised, he didn’t try anything, just dried off my body carefully and searched my suitcase for some clothing. Finding the long, satin nightgown, he slid it over my body. It felt good next to my skin. Bullet pulled back the comforter and the sheet and stood aside so I could climb in the bed.

  “I’ll either be downstairs or in my room when you wake up. Come find me, alright?” He stroked my hair. I had taken it down and now it was a mess. He pushed it behind my shoulder, closed the blinds and left the room. After he closed the door, it only took a few seconds to fall asleep.

  Chapter Four

  Bullet

  True to their word, the local animal control came quickly and found the animal dead. The representative warned me about killing bears but said since the carcass was found on my land, I wouldn’t face any charges. I sneered at the guy and promised him next time I faced a bear, I would let my friend die. I wasn’t in the mood to be censured, especially by some pimple-faced teenager who thought more about animals than he did people. His boss overhead the conversation and said, “We understand that this was a dangerous animal. No one is blaming you for defending yourself or your friend. I took the liberty of doing some tracking.”

  “Yes?” I asked the older woman, ignoring her assistant.

  “I didn’t see any other tracks and male bears, this one was a male, don’t usually travel with other bears so you should be alright. If you see anything else, please call us. We will be happy to help you.”

  “Thanks.” I watched them load the massive animal on the back of a truck with a wench. He was big, bigger t
han any I had seen around here. The animal was a frightening sight, even dead. Rafe and Eve were packing; I asked them to leave, making an excuse about the bear. Rafe seemed unafraid but Eve didn’t waste any time. I apologized for cutting his vacation a little short but I wanted Lilly to myself. I hoped we could repair whatever we might have had. It would be better if they were gone I figured. Rafe seemed unoffended by me asking so that was good. We weren’t really “best buds” or anything like that. Truthfully, I barely knew the guy. We just shared some of the same interests, or at least we had.

  “You really like this one, huh?” Rafe asked as he loaded up the trunk with their bags. Eve was already in the car.

  I thought about his question for a moment. “I guess I do.”

  “I can tell. Well, have fun. Eve and I will go stay in town and see what mischief we can get into. For what it’s worth, I really like Eve too.” He laughed heartily and I smiled. I was pretty sure we were talking about two different types of “likes.” Who knows? Maybe the petite, plain Eve could keep Rafe interested. I guess only time would tell. I waved at them as they drove away. The sun was beginning to set over the lake. Where had the day gone? I hurriedly went back inside. I had promised Lilly that I would be either in the living room or in my room.

  I went up to her room and listened at her door. I didn’t hear her stirring and I didn’t want to wake her up. She had been in shock earlier, I knew that, but I suspected that there was more to that story. I hoped she would tell me. I had called Andre that afternoon and cancelled his services. We’d only be here one more day and I was pretty sure I could manage the cooking. I wondered if Lilly could take off an extra couple of days.

  I sat on the leather couch, staring into the fire. I relived the past morning, regretting so many things, but thankful that I got a shot at that bear before he killed Lilly. It was weird wanting to protect someone so badly. I mean, I would have protected anyone facing a bear attack but I wanted her to live, even if it meant dying myself. I was not okay with that. I was not accustomed to warm and fuzzy feelings. I was accustomed to thinking about “numero uno,” just me. Lilly made me feel differently about everything.

  Don’t get me wrong, even now, right now, I would be happy to make love to her. I thought about her body, her sweet face with those tiny dimples around her lips. I could have lost her today. Thankfully, I had my pistol. I didn’t always, but thankfully I did today. I tapped my lip with my finger, thinking about what that loss would have felt like. I had lost enough, hadn’t I?

  “Bullet? Are you okay?” It was Lilly, still wearing her black silk nightgown and her robe.

  “Hey, come on over here.” I pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and held it out to her. “They left, I asked them to go.” She accepted the plush, white blanket and sat at the other end of the couch, nowhere near me.

  “Oh, I hope I didn’t interrupt your plans.” She sounded raw, hurt and angry.

  I sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy. I could see that. “No, you didn’t interrupt anything. I just thought it would be nice to be alone.”

  “That’s what I thought when I told you I would come, before I knew about your ‘friends.” Lilly looked tired; her golden hair was unbrushed making her look even sexier. It was hard to believe that just yesterday she and I were making love in the shower.

  “Yeah, I should have told you.” What else could I say? What did she want from me?

  “Yeah, you should have.” She leaned her head against the couch and gazed at me. “You promised me that you would take me home. Did you mean it?”

  “Do you really want to go home? Now that we are alone?” I hoped she would say no.

  “Yes, I want to go home. I think I have had enough excitement for one weekend, Bullet. Is it too late to catch the ferry?”

  I looked at the clock, it was almost seven. “Yes, actually it is too late for the ferry today. Sorry about that. Tomorrow is Sunday and it only runs once, at 3 o’clock. It looks like you are stuck with me tonight.”

  It was her turn to sigh. “Alright.”

  “Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten anything today that I know of. I can go make us something. Do you feel like putting another log on the fire?”

  With her blanket wrapped around her, she walked to the fireplace and pushed her hair behind her shoulder. I left her to stoke the fire while I went in search of food. Andre had left us some gumbo and cold shrimp salad. I heated the gumbo up and scooped us both a big bowl and placed it on a tray. I loaded it with other goodies, including some of the salad and walked into the living room. No sense in eating formally, the coffee table would do.

  “Soup’s on. I hope you don’t mind leftovers. We’ve got more gumbo. Do you want something to drink? Some wine, water?”

  “Do you have any soda?”

  “Yeah, hold on a second.” I scurried into the kitchen and grabbed two cans of soda. She was eating when I got back—that was a good sign. I knew that much from medical school. I popped the tops and passed her a drink.

  “Thanks, this is delicious. Andre is a great cook. Does he cook a lot for you on these…trips?”

  I took a swig and dug my spoon in my bowl. “I don’t know what kind of idea you have about me. I don’t get to take off very often. I work sometimes sixty hours a week. Andre is my personal chef. He cooks for me a few times a week at home. I flew him out here for this weekend.”

  “Oh. Well, thanks for that.” She pushed her gumbo around a little and nibbled on a cracker.

  “Do you want to talk about it? You know, it’s normal to feel some extreme emotions, especially when you’ve been in your situation.”

  She wiped her pretty mouth with the linen napkin. “What situation is that?”

  I rubbed my forehead with my hand, trying not to feel impatient. I was trying, why couldn’t she?

  “I know what it feels like to face death. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love.”

  Lilly froze, her dark green eyes filling with tears. “Really? What happened?”

  I threw my napkin on the coffee table. Man, was I going to talk about this? I looked at Lilly’s desperate face. Yeah, I guess I was.

  “Remember when you asked me about my family? Well, I wasn’t completely honest.” I felt my face warm. “Yeah, I know. No surprise, right?” I walked over to the fireplace and pulled the screen back and poked the fire. “My brother Slate just left to college, he had gone ahead of us a few days. He had tryouts for the athletics department that he couldn’t miss. We drove up, just the three of us, my father, his wife and me. Dad was tired so I offered to drive. It was rainy, the roads were slick and it just happened. The SUV hit a puddle of water and I lost control of the wheel. We flipped a few times. Dad was killed right away but my stepmother was okay, although she blames me for what happened. I think my brother does too, although he’s too polite to say it to my face. My sister, well, she loves me no matter what I do.”

  “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Lilly sat next to me, her hand reaching for mine. I tried not to be aroused by her touch but it was a losing battle.

  “I knew some CPR and I tried to save him but I couldn’t. He had too much trauma to his chest, bleeding internally; it wasn’t apparent. He was tired and sleeping in the back seat.” I could see the scene again. I shook myself. “I knew then I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people. But it wasn’t until I discovered that I had a knack for surgery that I decided to get into cosmetic surgery. You know, people think it is all breast jobs and face lifts but there is more to it than that.”

  She gave me a little smile and squeezed my hand. She toyed with the matchbox with her other hand. I don’t think she was nervous, merely thoughtful.

  “I have been a basket case today. I apologize for that. I know that this is not what you had in mind, but it wasn’t anything I planned either. I try not to think about my past, I don’t like thinking about it. After the accident, the one I was in, my doctor diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I took medi
cation for a few months but over time, I learned how to deal with it. When that happened today, when the bear was on top of me, all I could think was, ‘Now I’m going to die and I deserve it.’ I kind of wanted to—I know that sounds crazy. I feel crazy!” She gathered her beautiful hair in her hands and twisted it over her left shoulder. “I did not die the first time but they did. Now it was my turn. You know, like they say, Death comes for us all.”

  “Lilly, you are young and beautiful and talented. You have so much to live for—I know it hurts but you can’t think like that. You have to keep on going, find a way to cope. Don’t go looking for death, Lilly. It will come eventually.” I felt stupid offering advice knowing what a pig I had been to her. Thankfully, she didn’t make fun of me. “I did not kill my father, it was an accident. These things just happen.”

  The flames reflected off her hair and her golden skin. She was beautiful, even if she had been crying. Quietly, I asked her, “What happened to you? Do you want to talk about it?”

  Lilly’s green eyes softened and she gave me a spontaneous kiss on my lips. How do I respond to this? What did she want me do? I did the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to scoop her up and smother her in kisses, ravish her again in front of the fire but I didn’t. This moment was more important than that.

  “Thank you for telling me the truth. I know that took a lot to open up like that.” I ignored the desires of my body and smiled at her. I was in unchartered territory but I liked it, in a weird sort of way.

  Chapter Five

  Lilly

  I woke up with a cramp in my shoulder but with a happy heart. Bullet and I had talked into the night and finally passed out on the couch together. At some point, he must’ve pulled the thick white throw over our bodies because the fire was long gone and it was cold in the cabin. Immediately I knew that I felt better today than I had yesterday. I could think clearly and didn’t feel those raw emotions lingering under my skin. I sat up carefully to avoid waking him. He was handsome, awake or asleep. I loved his square jaw and his full lips. He was not girly pretty — Bullet was all man. While I stared I saw him smile a little.